Just Joking. Give your mind a relief. Amuse your humour. Try to relax. Bla-bla-bla. Bla bli blobla... Tuh duhm tuh duh duhm tuhm tuhm...

1. The Cookies | 2. Memory | 3. Lawyers | 4. Hiring Help | 5. Beer Study

  6. Two Girls | 7. Some of the Myths About Marriage... | 8. Lottery Winner

  9. The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Girl

10. The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy

  11. The Blind Date | 12. The Feminist | 13. Beer Bottles and Change  | 14.  Some Thoughts...

 15. The Poisoned Drink | 16.I Don't Understand | 17.A Little Gift | 18.The Love Dress | 19.My Pumpkin

 20.At The Bus Stop | 21.The Offer | 22.Three Friends | 23.A Fitting Purchase | 24.On A Plane

  25.Why Do You Do That Mom? | 26.The Pool | 27.Herbal Medications: Progressing With Time?

The Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spreads out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

Memory

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Lawyers

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case The defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking for anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

Hiring Help

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No. We already have all the help we need," he said. "Then would you mind getting someone to help me?" she asked.

Beer Study

Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should reconsider their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned....

Two Girls

Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious." "Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained. "Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll really miss me."

Some of the Myths About Marriage...

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it. The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it." The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband says: "No - no - no, Honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No Honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The wife gets really mad and is about to explode when the husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!"

Lottery Winner

A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!" Her husband yells back, "But should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" The wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hell out!"

The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Girl:

Free dinners.

You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.

Speeding ticket? What's that? You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.

If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.

A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned.

If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.

If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.

If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.

If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.

You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

Brad Pitt.

You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.

You値l never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.

When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.

If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with him.

If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him If you don't shave, no one will know.

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. Your hair is yours to keep.

If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic.

You don't have to pretend to like cigars.

You値l never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.

If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot.

You池e rarely compelled to scream at the TV.

You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings.

If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty.

Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.

Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth.

When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing.

Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.

If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it.

You値l never regret piercing your ears.

You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes.

You値l never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra.

You don't have hair on your back.

If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants.

You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

If you have big ears, no one has to know.

You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.

You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer.

The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy:

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Monday Night Football.

The bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.

You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

The National College Cheer leading Championship.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pair of shoes is more than enough.

Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

Auto mechanics tell you the truth.

You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."

You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

You don't mooch off others' desserts.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

The remote is yours and yours alone.

ESPN's Sports Center.

Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers.

You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

Baywatch.

There is always a game on somewhere.

The Blind Date

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen. "I want to get weighed," said Sandra. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

The Feminist

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? Women cook, men eat. Women clean, men get dirty. Women iron, men wrinkle.

Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years? Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.

How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.

How are men like diplomas? You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it." Today, "online" is the name of the game, and Capella University knows it. Our online IT programs get you where you want to be in the world of technology. They combine experiential learning, expert instruction and Internet-based delivery to offer a quality IT education, conveniently.

Stanley was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of I.Q. and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a bit much," said Clarence. So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Clarence groused.

Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap."

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited

by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name

One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked,

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the big vehicle, the driver swerved

to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly. They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor

asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a store. Her arms were filled with a mop, a broom, and other cleaning supplies.

By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly,

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.

On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again,

the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

A very wealthy entrepreneur named John retired to the countryside. On one of his long walks, he passed a Mental Institution, and behind the chain link fence, he saw the patients fighting ferociously with each other.

Hailing a man standing close to the fence, John asked what was goingon. The man replied, "This happens every day; there's nothing else to do." So John went to see the director and offered to install a swimming pool at his expense.

The director was very happy with the offer and accepted immediately. Ten days later, John received a phone call from the director, requesting his presence the following day for the grand opening. Pleased, John accepted.

He than decided to take a stroll out to the Institution to see how well the pool had been built. As he approached the fence, he heard laughing and exited voices.

A few yards later, he had a full view of a beautiful pool, complete with high tower diving boards, for which the patients were lining up to do cannonballs and swan dives. Calling the same man at the fence, John said, "You guys like

The man replied, "Sure is, Mister, but tomorrow it値l be even more fun when they put the water in it."